愛麗絲的重心

別人生命的價值我從不懷疑，
偏偏自己的價值卻從未肯定過。

心又再次地沉重，
腦海裡的負面思考不斷，
一隻腳踏進了最害怕的幽谷，
像掉進漩渦，爬不出來。

漩渦不是黑色的，
也不是藍色的，
更不是白色的；
是紫色的。

像愛麗絲一樣，
失去重心，
帶著沉重的心往下墜。

那下墜的速度之快，
卻又因漂浮在空中那些不捨的牽掛慢了下來。

掙扎沒有用，
strictly up or down.

Messages from God today.

He said:

Dear child,

"Don't be afraid of missing out. I will give you everything you need to live."

Jesus said,

"Don't hide God's glory. Publicize it."

"Do your good deeds in secret, though."

"Do not use God to make yourself important."

A friend then shared,

"I felt I need to be there, but not knowing why. Then, I got a job..."

And so I wrote:

Dear God,

A Fresh week. A New month.

I love you, God, and I am totally excited to know and to live what you have planned for me. You are my everything. Praise you with all of my might and love you with all of my heart and soul.

Amen.

Your precious,

Claire

I will go. I will follow.

but Lord, may I also boldly pray...

You

inspired my dreams,

stirred up my passions,

allowed me to imagine.

Can you please carry me on your laps,

just as you promised?

Because I know,

You will.

雨點‧勇氣

我曾經說過我不喜歡下雨天。
她濕濕搭搭、黏剔剔的感覺令人很不舒服；
或許是淺意識裡(不存在)的潔癖在作祟吧。


那我有沒有說過，其實，
我很享受在裡面看著雨點打在玻璃上的感覺。
雖然才隔著一片玻璃 ，
這一線之隔卻道盡了你所在的安全感，
而這安全感卻又是那麼地不堪一擊。
多麼可愛和諷刺，
因為人生不就是如此的矛盾。


這幾天坐在公車上，思考著思考著；
看著外頭大雨打在窗戶上 ；
街上的人們仍然躲的躲，走的走。

雨滴和玻璃一起譜出的節奏，
不知為何，開始跟上我混亂的思緒。
她亂中逐漸有序，就好像整理凌亂的房間一樣，
一開始的雜亂讓你不知從何開始整理，
可是一旦找到收拾的順序，一切的亂就變得有邏輯起來。
這雨點的節奏，一點一滴地串聯我的思緒。
當一切的混亂有了節奏，一切就變得不那麼可怕了。
從雨點來的勇氣，是個很難形容的感覺。

熱忱。期待

這一陣子說順心也還好 不順利倒也不全然
不過 可以確定的是 最近的過於放鬆的我似乎有讓自己變得連自己都有點厭惡了

工作上剛開始可以說是很喜歡的環境
以每分鐘就有超過四國語言充斥聽覺的情況下 感官上是飽足的
法語 仍是一貫地優雅地談吐著
西班牙語 永遠是那麼地熱情奔放
日文 依舊是印象中的禮多拘僅
瑞士文 有如陽光般的親切溫暖
中文 永遠都是那麼地熟悉自然

從日本回來也有一年的時間 沒想到自己日文退步的程度 比預料中還差
在日本花了半年以上的時間才好不容易脫離了 支支嗚嗚的對話
沒想到在溫哥華 不到一年的時間或許更短的時間 就讓我回到原地踏步
不過前兩天收到許久沒連絡的日本朋友的一封Email著實地讓我驚喜萬分
種種對日本的懷念 都讓我又重新的思考了未來

語言是我所熟悉的熱忱
未來是我最陌生的期待

Funny Enough

Why live up to other's standards?
We are always told not to and be yourself,
but we can't help but to.

Funny enough,
when you found yourself failed to do so,
the same people are the first ones to mock you.

So, why bother?

22.

What am I scared of?
The truth, Everything.

The greatest moment of vulnerability is finding your weakness,
and when you've found it, you're at the brink point of a shattered glass.

As the glass shatter, comes the spined ends.
Life really shouldn't be like this. But sadly, it most likely is.

I am
Tired
Weak
Exhausted
Null
Torn
Yearning
Thinking
Willing
Open.

遇人不淑

無意間逛到他的臉書。
他一貫地裝神秘，只放一張照片；
卻意外發現之前的留言已無去無蹤。

好樣的你，一股腦的怒氣不由來地往上衝。
後來想想更氣，
爛人一枚，幹麻為你浪費我腎線上素，
浪費我血壓啟動的能量。

不過真的，自尊被踐踏地很徹底。

寂寞

沒有華麗的文字，
也沒有簡單的極致品味。

只有
大剌剌地，落寞。


只是習慣了不習慣，
原來我也怕寂寞。

Note to Self

Claire,

there is nothing to be stressed about.
Do your thing,
life goes on,
period.

曾幾何時

不知道從什麼時候開始，我已經悄悄地把心給了你。
是那麼的無聲，不經意的，連它離開了我都毫無知覺；
直到你帶著它離去後，距離的冷風吹醒了我，
這我才知道，心不再屬於自己。

2008.06.06

Comparison

說過不會選的，
但是，心裡還是忍不住地偷偷的比較了一下。

他的木訥讓我無奈 因為主動並不是我的專長

他的沉穩讓我安心 因為被照顧的感覺很好

他的應對讓我懷念 因為扭捏並不真誠


愛情不應該是選擇題。

2008.05.30

Weakness

僅僅是一個不想再堅強下去的念頭，
怎麼好像對我來說都成了一種奢侈？

再怎麼堅強，也會有逞強的時候；
「軟弱」這個詞，果然只有屬於在夜深人靜時。

不輕易認輸，大概是我這輩子最大的優勢，也最可悲的罩門吧。

其實，我不怕脆弱，而是怕沒有機會軟弱。

Desperation

You know what I think?

I am just desperate for love.

But hey,

I am still hanging there.

Nonsense

Talk the talk, walk the walk.
I don't mean to criticize life or even myself, but sometimes, I need a reality check. Everyone does. I know I'm a big dreamer, and still am, but that does not entitle me the right to overlook the needs of others. After all, what is a dream to be without any truths in it? This post is a real epiphany talk, as I just endless pound everything on the top of my mind into this little place of emotion spill.

So, if you cannot understand it, that's okay,
because neither do I.

I am a spoiled brat.

For too long have I lived in the world of my own, without realizing what is surrounding me: reality. In that world of mine, I had everything planned the way I intended them to be, thinking it must be how life should be. In fact, I did not fully comprehend the cost it took to build this dream life of mine because on the other side of the wall, resides an entire different story.

I have always thought I learned to appreciate life and the life of others who are less fortunate than me, only because it was not a story of my own, merely another chapter that bypasses. When it starts to look like a tale of my book, however, I find myself absorbed into the pessimism of life without noticing it.

To dream is good,
to fantasize, is to be a fool.
- Claire

C'est la vie.

When you hit rock bottom,

You know you’re alive.

and oh,

When reality hits,

Dreams escape.

100th Post

My 100th post, not the happiest one, but hey, life goes on.

A lot of things are not what they seem to be.

Fear? No.

You see, that is why I fear Intimacy.
When you pour your heart out there,
you are vulnerable.
And as it strikes you hard,
it just cuts deeper.

Does that change my attitude towards others? No.
But one thing that I do know:
try not to expect to much.

- Claire

凌晨一點鐘

1:29am
突來的寂寞，讓我開始害怕入睡；
這時我了解了，寂寞並不是 沒人陪伴，而是無法感受他人存在。

1:30am
這無謂的情緒，打得我措手不及。


到頭來，還不都是賀爾蒙在作祟。